So lately I’ve been thinking about the idea of soul mates and whether I believe that we each have a soul mate or not. I asked on Twitter and got mixed responses. I think to be completely honest I’d have to say I don’t believe in the idea of soul mates. That is just my opinion on soul mates but I do believe in marriage and that some people belong together more than others.
I think real love and a good marriage isn’t just the luck of finding that one person. It’s about finding someone you are compatible with and then fighting to make a good life together. I’ve learned there are no set rules when it comes to marriage. Whether you marry young or old, if you know each other 10 days or 10 years before getting married it really doesn’t seem to matter. Some couples seem to have a lot stacked against them as far as “statistics” go but they stay married for 40 years. Then there are couples that seem perfect for each other and they fall apart quickly. I think it seems to come down to a desire to make it work and a willingness to make it work.
My husband and I have been married almost 12 years and together for 17 years. I wouldn’t say we are soul mates and there are a lot of reasons why we might not have worked. We met in High school and although a lot of people think that being high school sweethearts is cute I feel that it can be a real disadvantage in a marriage because you have no prior relationships to have learned from. We had to learn everything as we went along for better or worse.
We also got married really young. I was 19 and he was barely 22. At the time of course we didn’t feel young but looking back on it now we were so young. A lot of young marriages end in divorce because as you grow older you grow apart and in the first five or six years of our marriage I could see how that happens.
I was hitting my mid twenties and being married with a child while most people my age were single and had no children was hard. We also didn’t have careers, just jobs so money struggles added to a lot of stress on our marriage in the beginning.
I don’t believe in soul mates but I do believe that if two people have the same beliefs and values that can be enough to carry them through. I came from parents who were still married to each other and no one really close to me was divorced growing up so I always believed in getting married once if at all possible. My husband came from the opposite end of the spectrum. His parents are divorced and there is a lot of divorce in his family so he was determined to get married once and make it work but for different reasons.
Then with all my medical issues we both realized how quickly I could have died and it made us see how we could get through anything together. Those things like money, jobs, family issues none of it really mattered if we could get through real life and death issues. Also the fact that he stuck with me and didn’t leave me when so many marriages end when one person has a health crisis. Loyalty is something we both value and have in common, neither of us is willing to quit on the other. His whole world was turned upside down just like mine was and we were thrown into a life of doctors, hospitals, therapy, tests and a bunch of things we couldn’t have prepared for.
So while I believe that my marriage has survived a lot I don’t think it’s because we were destined to be together. I think it’s because we both accepted the life we were dealt and were willing to fight for it. If I had died at 25 when he was 27 I would hate to think I was his one true soul mate. I think he could have gone on to have had another marriage and been equally happy and fulfilled. The same I hope would have been true for me if something happened to him.
Most marriages work if you fight for them to work. Not all because there are things like abuse, drug use, adultery, etc that one person causes so much damage that I don’t think you can fight to save a marriage on your own if the other person is unwilling to fight for themselves and the marriage. In my opinion marriage works as well as the two people in them are willing to work. There is no easy marriage or secret formula, which is why I don’t think we have one soul mate because to me that makes it seem like being soul mates is why you work and not doing the work. It’s hard work being married and I think that the hard work can be scary and there are times when giving up did seem like it would be easier but I’m a fighter and we found a way to work through whatever issue was happening. So there is my opinion on soul mates and why I think that way.
So how about you. Are you married, if so for how long, Any advice?
If not, do you hope to be some day?
Do you believe in soul mates?