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So lately I’ve been thinking about the idea of soul mates and whether I believe that we each have a soul mate or not. I asked on Twitter and got mixed responses. I think to be completely honest I’d have to say I don’t believe in the idea of soul mates. That is just my opinion on soul mates but I do believe in marriage and that some people belong together more than others.
I think real love and a good marriage isn’t just the luck of finding that one person. It’s about finding someone you are compatible with and then fighting to make a good life together. I’ve learned there are no set rules when it comes to marriage. Whether you marry young or old, if you know each other 10 days or 10 years before getting married it really doesn’t seem to matter. Some couples seem to have a lot stacked against them as far as “statistics” go but they stay married for 40 years. Then there are couples that seem perfect for each other and they fall apart quickly. I think it seems to come down to a desire to make it work and a willingness to make it work.
My husband and I have been married almost 12 years and together for 17 years. I wouldn’t say we are soul mates and there are a lot of reasons why we might not have worked. We met in High school and although a lot of people think that being high school sweethearts is cute I feel that it can be a real disadvantage in a marriage because you have no prior relationships to have learned from. We had to learn everything as we went along for better or worse.
We also got married really young. I was 19 and he was barely 22. At the time of course we didn’t feel young but looking back on it now we were so young. A lot of young marriages end in divorce because as you grow older you grow apart and in the first five or six years of our marriage I could see how that happens.
I was hitting my mid twenties and being married with a child while most people my age were single and had no children was hard. We also didn’t have careers, just jobs so money struggles added to a lot of stress on our marriage in the beginning.
I don’t believe in soul mates but I do believe that if two people have the same beliefs and values that can be enough to carry them through. I came from parents who were still married to each other and no one really close to me was divorced growing up so I always believed in getting married once if at all possible. My husband came from the opposite end of the spectrum. His parents are divorced and there is a lot of divorce in his family so he was determined to get married once and make it work but for different reasons.
Then with all my medical issues we both realized how quickly I could have died and it made us see how we could get through anything together. Those things like money, jobs, family issues none of it really mattered if we could get through real life and death issues. Also the fact that he stuck with me and didn’t leave me when so many marriages end when one person has a health crisis. Loyalty is something we both value and have in common, neither of us is willing to quit on the other. His whole world was turned upside down just like mine was and we were thrown into a life of doctors, hospitals, therapy, tests and a bunch of things we couldn’t have prepared for.
So while I believe that my marriage has survived a lot I don’t think it’s because we were destined to be together. I think it’s because we both accepted the life we were dealt and were willing to fight for it. If I had died at 25 when he was 27 I would hate to think I was his one true soul mate. I think he could have gone on to have had another marriage and been equally happy and fulfilled. The same I hope would have been true for me if something happened to him.
Most marriages work if you fight for them to work. Not all because there are things like abuse, drug use, adultery, etc that one person causes so much damage that I don’t think you can fight to save a marriage on your own if the other person is unwilling to fight for themselves and the marriage. In my opinion marriage works as well as the two people in them are willing to work. There is no easy marriage or secret formula, which is why I don’t think we have one soul mate because to me that makes it seem like being soul mates is why you work and not doing the work. It’s hard work being married and I think that the hard work can be scary and there are times when giving up did seem like it would be easier but I’m a fighter and we found a way to work through whatever issue was happening. So there is my opinion on soul mates and why I think that way.
So how about you. Are you married, if so for how long, Any advice?
If not, do you hope to be some day?
Do you believe in soul mates?
dishofdailylife says
I agree with you. I do not believe in soul mates. I was one of the people who answered you on Twitter. My husband and I got married young…I was 22 and he was 24. We met in college and were from different parts of the country, so that was why we got married so early. I wasn’t willing to uproot myself to continue to date after college. We dated for several years and we’ve been married 22. I would hate to think that if I had gone to college somewhere else that I never would have gotten married and had a family because he was my one true soul mate. And if something were to happen to either of us, does that mean we can never find happiness with another again? I have friends who have lost their husbands and wives to accidents and illness…is that it for them? I believe that there are probably many people out there we could love and be happy with, but destiny put us in the path of the one we are with. I think the important thing is to have love and compassion.
blushandbarbells says
I’m not too keen on the idea of soulmates either – I think that makes people lazy in relationships because if something isn’t going the way they want, it’s because it’s not “meant to be”.
I love that first graphic, that you have to be a good partner to have a good relationship. I think I tend to forget that.
Have a great week!
Dee Williamson says
Yes I agree. I think it boils down to how hard you are willing to work and fight for your marriage. I’m coming up on 6 years of marriage. Doesn’t really seem that long. I think my one piece of advice would be to learn to appreciate the other person for who they are. I would love to hear what others have to say.
Joleen says
I think you have a good understanding and opinion. I guess I am somewhat of a romantic still and believe in some circumstances such as soul mates. My hubby to be and I have been friends for over 20 years. If you do the math I was a child when he first came into my life but a long time family friend. Many years later he was my shoulder to cry on when the two people that linked us together were ill and he became my shoulder to cry on. In that sense I believe some things fall apart so others can fall together. Shortly after we were doing the long distance thing and when we realized how compatible we were together I made the 330 mile move to be with him. Very shortly after moving here we were pregnant and the rest is history in the making. We have been together for 4 1/2 years now and we have been through many struggles most people in a 20 year marriage do not endure but we are stronger than ever. I believe we work at our relationship but I also believe it was our fate to be together. Whatever the case may be I am glad we found each other.
Julie@teachinggoodeaters says
I think that the belief in soul mates can be dangerous because it leads to the idea of love being a feeling and love being what you “get,” rather than seeing love as a verb, as what you “do.” Sometimes we need to choose to love, even when it’s hard. If we believe someone to be our soulmate and then things don’t seem to be working, it can be tempting to think that maybe this isn’t the right person and maybe someone else is actually our soul mate. I love the quote at the end about couples who are “meant to be.”
mwfinchwren says
Thank you for sharing your story! You two have been thru more than some people ever go thru. Congratulations for enduring and for your obvious commitment to one another!
Wren from finchnwren.com
Amy says
I agree – there is no such thing as soul mates. I once heard a sermon on this topic and the pastor said, “If you think there is only one person “out there” for you, what happens when ONE person marries the “wrong” person? What happened to the person He was supposed to marry? What happened to the man who the woman he married was SUPPOSED to marry?” Etc, Etc. If only one person married the wrong person, all of humanity would be thrown out of kilter. I know this is oversimplifying matters, but it makes me smile to think of it that way.
My best marriage advice (after enduring more than a lot of marriages) is to become a student of your spouse. I want to be THE expert in the subject of my husband. That’s true love.
Designed Decor says
Soul Mates? I think when 2 people have the same beliefs and values they can and will become soul mates in their relationship.
jenniferclay795 says
I am like you. I married young. I was 19 years old and had my first child at 19. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and boy, we have had some rough times. I only had one prior relationship before my husband so I didn’t really get to learn much outside of him.
Rachel Lavern@Online Biz Boomer Babe says
I think that ‘How do I know if they are my soulmate?” is a common question. What I most hear as the answer to that question is that they just knew in every cell in their body that they were with the one. I hear a man say once that he didn’t know his wife was his soulmate until they had been married for more than a year, however, since he loved her, also loved her family and he was certain they had everything necessary to have a great relationship, he decided to marry her.
Rachel recently wrote Using the Oreo Cookie to Get Clients
imanisasa says
I am married (5 years, almost 6) and I’m divorced (was married about two years or so that time). In both cases, I was married to my soul mate. So yes, I do believe in soul mates. I don’t, however, believe that we only have ONE soul mate walking this earth waiting for us to meet them. And I do believe that there are very different kinds of soul mates – just like there are different kinds of love and there are different kinds of work. All to say that my best marriage advice is to realize that you don’t both have to be giving 100+% all of the time. That’s a recipe for burn out and divorce. With love as your foundation, a willingness to work through the tough stuff and a mutual belief that you are meant to be together, it will be okay to have an EQUITABLE marriage instead of an EQUAL marriage. It is inevitable that one of you will have more stamina than the other. One of you will like cleaning/cooking/shopping/budgeting/etc. slightly more than the other. Rather than splitting everything 50/50 to get to 100, capitalize on what you both love and really examine if the rest matters. From there, you’ll get to 100 and stay there longer.
ThoughtfulEscapes says
I appreciate your commitment to marriage and making it work. Marriage is work, lots of hard work – you’re right, the idea of a soul mate does imply you don’t have to work at the relationship – and that just isn’t true. Thank you for speaking up on the rewards of hard work and commitment.
Jasmine says
I agree! You can make marriage work if you are committed to working through whatever life tosses your way.
Tracy @ Using Time Wisely says
I married at 25, and he was 29. We have been married for 15 years. I’m thankful that we waited until after school and knowing what we wanted in a partner. I’m not sure I believe in soul mates, but I do believe in marriage until death. We continue to work at our marriage which is difficult, but worth all the efforts to understand each other.
jillinamillion says
I believe that any relationship has its ups and downs, but getting through the downs makes the bond deeper and understanding stronger. Marriage is a two-way street and both parties need to work at it and learn compromise.
Ces says
I don’t believe in soul mates, but my husband likes to joke that I’m his. We’ve been married for almost 6 years and together for 9. While I don’t consider our marriage a very successful one, part of the reason why we’re still together was my husband’s patience and sense of humor. Had he been volatile just like me, I don’t think our marriage would have lasted for a year. My husband once quoted that love is a commitment and not just an emotion. I think he takes that aphorism to heart.
BCfamily.ca (@bcfamilyca) says
There are so many people in the world and I’m pretty sure that there are a number of people with whom one could marry and become like soul mates. I remember a friend of mine said once that you have to work at your marriage every day. This is a daunting statement because in truth there are many days when you are caught up in the business of the day. …and yet it is a pretty true statement about marriage. So all we can do is our best.
becky says
I’m a newlywed–married 1.3 years. I agree with you and don’t believe in soul mates. Marriage takes work, and it’s not like the movies. But IT’S SOOOOO good too. Maybe that’s because I’m a newlywed! Anyways, thanks for the honest post.
Miranda @ Cookie Dough & Oven Mitt says
My husband and I were both 23 when we got married. I do believe in soul mates. We’ve been married for four years. It definitely takes work on both ends to make a marriage go smoothly. I’m in it for the long haul.
Shelah T says
Hi! I completely agree with what you said about marriage working if both are dedicated to make it work. I find it so unfortunate that some people really give their best shot to make their marriages work but because their partners don’t care as much, it ends up in a divorce.
I think people who find their soul mates are really lucky but that doesn’t work for every one of us. Some of us meet our soul mates, some of us don’t.. but that shouldn’t determine the success of a marriage.
Been happily married for 16 years.. 🙂
Amanda Espinoza says
I have been married for almost 15 years. We have had our ups and downs, mostly ups… but I do not think there are soul mates as you put it:
“I think real love and a good marriage isn’t just the luck of finding that one person. It’s about finding someone you are compatible with and then fighting to make a good life together.”
That has certainly been the case with us. When one is up and the other down… we lift each other. And then it happens the other way the next.
A huge key has been the fact that even though we may fight and have our struggles, we always end up fighting for our marriage. The key is believing that it is something worth fighting for! 🙂
Alyssa//Runway Chef says
I don’t think that you meet a soul mate or that you have a sole mate, but I think that someone becomes your sole mate as you grow in your relationship together, or you go through struggles together, and you learn how to work together and understand each other better.
Marie says
I agree with you. We’re coming up on 22 years of marriage and while it’s been wonderful, and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, it was and is a lot of work. A good marriage is just that way. You’re willing to work through things when it gets tough instead of giving up. When you do that you grow closer and the marriage get stronger. Nice post!
Aishah says
Wow! I really enjoyed reading your post. I never really gave much thought to the concept of soul mates. Our 7 year anniversary is coming up. You’re definitely right about marriage being a lot of hard work and that one person working alone will not save a marriage. Both people have to give it their all. Thank you so much for sharing!
spawtyspice says
I believe in soul mates but I believe you may have more than one. I’m single. I believe I’ll marry someone, some day who fits me. I also know people who married after 1 date and are still going strong after 40 years and I know people who knew each other for a few years before getting married, who are divorced. I think you’re right, it’s about being willing to fight through the tough times, the times meant to break you. I will say, however, that bringing your best, cleanest, clearest self to a marriage would seem to help immensely. For example, I know a couple where both have major baggage and issues and they trigger each other frequently, married without really getting to know each other in-depth and their marriage is a day-to-day struggle. I’ve been working on myself for roughly 3 years and I know that had I married earlier in my life, I’d be divorced. We’ll see what the future holds. Best to you and thank you for an enlightening post!
Lori says
We have been married for 11 years, but I never considered my husband my soul mate. He is my best friend, and the one I believe God meant for me to marry. We have found that spending time together is the biggest thing that keeps us close. It gives us time to talk, enjoy each other, and have experiences to share. When we get too “busy” constantly doing other things in life our relationship suffers and the marriage stress begins. But it is always worth it to fight on through!
Carol Kus says
I’ve been married for 22 years, and I agree…..marriage takes an unshakeable commitment, and hard work 🙂
Lil Mis Saver says
I am not yet married, but my bf & I already know we are going to one day. We have been working on ourselves & our finances so as soon as that levels out we will be on our way to wedded bliss. We have already been through so much in our 4 yrs together, enough that would have pulled some couples apart, but we made it through. I would like to believe in soul mates, but as I get older I don’t know how much I really believe this. I love the idea of it though!
Tina Brockett says
When I first met my husband, I thought he was the most disagreeable man I’d ever met. A few weeks later we ran into each other again and I wondered if I had made a mistake regarding him. Within a week of that second meeting, on our third date, I was hit by a car. I asked him to not leave me, and he hasn’t yet. We were engaged in less than six months after meeting and this year will be celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary.
Sometimes I think you just “know” and while it wasn’t love at first sight, within a month of that I think we both knew that we would get married. No big set of fireworks, just a sound knowing in my core.
Is he my soulmate? I believe so. But I also believe that marriage takes work by both parties and you can’t just rely on that underlying connection along to get you through.
val says
Good read. Hubby and I are high school sweethearts as well. Got together at 17 & 19. Married when I was 21 & he was 23. I’m thankful that fate brought us together at an early age. He helped me through and has been my rock through so many things.
I believe we are soul mates. We were instantly comfortable together from the first date. Yes, we’d known each other for years but didn’t really hang out in the same circles. My daughter and her BF seem to be very similar to us. Instantly comfortable and also comfortable with the families.
I’ve watched friends get married in their 30’s and there is also the other aspect that they can bring a lot of relationship baggage to the plate.
Hubby and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary this April 🙂
MommyLES says
My first marriage lasted for 5 years, then we separated. I’m into my second marriage we’ve been together for almost 10 years and married for 8 years. Our first two years were struggle on whether or not we’ll be committed for the rest of our lives. You’re right, there’s no secret formula in making the marriage work. Both parties should try to keep the marriage bond strong. Do I believe in soulmates? Not really, we make our own destiny.
Sabrina says
I would have to agree with you. I had friend who left her then husband to be with her soul mate. Fast forward 6 years. She is re-married, but not the to the soul mate that she left her first marriage for? Is this confusing? Yes, it was for me too and I still don’t get it.
itsashort says
I totally believe in soulmates which you discover if you should have the incredible misfortune to get divorced. Creating the kind of symbiotic relationship with another person is unbelievably hard…for those who are married…you won’t ever really know this and I hope you never do.
Maryann Gates says
We will be married for 12 years on March 16th. I agree with you… I don’t think we are soul mates, but I do believe in two people who compliment each other very well, who are willing to work hard at being together. His strengths are my weaknesses, and vice versa.