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Last Updated on May 27, 2020 by karissa ancell
I’ve mentioned already that this week is hard on me emotionally because of it being the anniversary of my stroke and it is hard. I live with the fact that I will always have to deal with physical limitations and changes to my personality because of what happened to me and that really sucks.
(source)
I want to say though that I need to express how grateful I am though for the fact that I am sitting here typing this post. I truly am grateful to have survived having a stroke in the first place when so often that isn’t the case. I am also for the most part ok. I have limitations but it could have been so much worse than it was. When I went to a new neurologist who wasn’t apart of the original team of doctors who treated me he ordered pictures of my brain. I went in for the follow up and he said he was absolutely shocked by how much of my brain was dead. That’s what happens to your brain during a stroke the clot prevents blood and oxygen from flowing through the brain and that kills it. The neurologist thought that because of how well I seem, that it was probably a fairly minor stroke but nope. About 70% of my brain is dead. You can tell that in the images because it’s a different color than the healthy alive brain.
There is so much I should not be able to do with that level of damage but because I was young and healthy my brain rerouted everything to the healthy parts and I really lost so little compared to what it could have been. So I’m grateful that I am alive and get to watch my daughter grow up and be apart of her life. I’m grateful for my husband and other family members both mine and his that helped us through the last five years and my recovery.
Christine says
Karissa- I hadn’t realized you had a stroke. I’m so sorry, and not in a pitty kind of way, but in an “I get it” kind of way.
When my daughter was born 8 years ago, I had a crash c-section and came within just minutes of dying. It was an abruption, and I was lucky enough to already be in a university hospital when it happened. The doctor told me definitively afterward that from the time of that level of abruption to the time that mom and baby die is about 15 minutes. *Side note: baby was perfectly fine like nothing happened, thank God.
I went to therapy for 2 years. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t supposed to live. I couldn’t tune out all the noise and the light and the smells in the world; every sense seemed ten times stronger than before. I couldn’t stop replaying in my head, not only the events just leading up to the abruption and everything after, but nearly my whole life: what signs had I missed? What could I have done differently? What should my doctor have caught before-hand? Is it genetic? I spent hours and hours researching on the Internet. I had to become an expert because I had to understand.
And at the same time, I felt set apart from all my friends and family. The same people who had loved and supported me, who had driven hours to be by my side, who had donated blood so I would have a good match…I felt permanently separated from them because their lives were so good that they could never possibly understand what it was like to live after being so close to death. They could never understand the doubt and the fear and the anger that I had 24 hours a day. Their lives were simple and uncomplicated.
I felt sick and angry whenever someone would say they were pregnant or share their birth story. And I grieved for the next baby that I desperately wanted but would never have. And whenever someone talked about wanting another baby or trying to get pregnant, I’d be jealous and feel robbed of having that normal choice.
Over time, the anger and the questioning subsided. I forged better connections with my loved ones. I stopped being jealous and angry. The senses returned to normal (mostly). And, I can say, that I have loved my life. The one remnant that lives on daily is the constant fear of something happening to me or my children, the knowledge that anything can happen at any time.
And…
Every year at my daughter’s birthday, I start to get quiet. I start to think. It’s doesn’t even start out consciously. It’s somewhere in the back of my mind and I can’t shake it. She shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be here. Every day is a gift? But I don’t honor it as a gift. I should do more. I should be better. I’m not worthy of this second chance. I have failed. And then I remember that it’s my stupid brain. My stupid brain that can’t forget. Ever. And I realize that every anniversary will be ingrained in my mind and I pray that they just get easier. But they might not.
I’ll pray for you, my bloggy friend. I’ll pray for your strength every day and your sanity at each anniversary. I’ll pray that your family and friends are loving and make you feel like a whole person. I pray that you never feel lesser than anybody. And I’ll pray that you continue to do well and to find the joy in your life, which is, in fact a gift. I’ll pray that you have the strength and courage to meet every challenge without fear and without mercy. Good luck friend. Email me if you ever need to talk. *hugs*
Karissa says
Thank you so much.
And says
It takes a strong person to share what you have here today. Thanks for sharing so others can be encouraged too!
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Emily - Ember Grey says
Bless you, Karissa. This was so inspiring to read! I’m so glad you’re here 🙂 Thank you for linking up last week!! xo
Shipra says
You’re inspiring to all of us! Keep up the good work! <3
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Shannon Peterson says
You are so good to think of the wonderful and lucky things in your life! I’m so glad you were young and resilient enough to bounce back!
[email protected] says
It is wonderful to have great family and friends to help you through difficult times. Grateful that you are here to enjoy your beautiful daughter growing up.
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Becky says
Thanks for sharing your personal story. What a blessing to watch your daughter grow up and spend time with her.
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Angie says
You are so inspiring! Even all you are able to do with your blog let alone your family life is amazing:-). Thankful for your spirit and story!
amber says
What a wonderful, positive outlook you have! Your story is incredible! Yo have gone through that at such a young age and to have recovered so well when the odds were against you is so inspiring. God is good!
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Lisa says
Wow. I didn’t know this about you (being newer to your blog). It’s amazing that you’re here and functioning. Thank you for sharing this!
Chelsie says
This is what it’s all about! Being grateful despite our trials! Keep going!
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Andi says
Wow that is staggering. To be dong so much with only 30% of your brain is AMAZING! Stay healthy!
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Katie says
Wow. How inspiring. Glad you’re doing well and you’ve come as far as you have already. I also am grateful for my health these days. A friend of mine recently lost her son, just 5 months old (few days older than my youngest), and in that tragedy I couldn’t help but thank god for blessing us with good health and helping us through tough times like this. Thanks for sharing! Really hits home!
Karissa says
Thanks I couldn’t imagine losing a child. I’m so sorry for your friend.
Suzanne says
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable!
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vickie says
I’m so glad your here today too. I would have never know this since I just started coming to your blog. You accomplish so much and it looks like you have such a wonderful family who cares about you.
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Karissa says
Thank you and welcome to my blog.