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Last Updated on March 30, 2016 by karissa ancell
Being a mom is weird. I feel like I should feel guilty for not being a better mom because isn’t that what mom’s do? And how can not having enough mom guilt make me have mom guilt? I don’t know but it just does.
I Feel guilty over not being the best they can be. I do worry about if I’m a good example for her and if I do enough but there are a lot of areas of parenting and being a stay at home mom that I just don’t care much about. I’m a type B person. My cleaning philosophy is pretty laid back. I try to keep things picked up, run a vacuum do some dusting but my house is never spotless and the truth is it’s never going to be unless I start paying someone else to do it. I do laundry because I have to, same with the cleaning that gets done. It bothers me sometimes but then I try to remind myself who really cares? We aren’t living in filth. It’s decent and safe and healthy. No one really comes over much. Then I have pangs of worry over if it should bother me more, would I be a better mom and wife if having a perfect house was more of a priority.
I’m also not a put together mom. If you see me at home I’m wearing pajamas or yoga pants with a baggy shirt and sometimes a bra under it. I will put on jeans and a top. If going out I will brush my hair, very rarely style it and put on a little makeup. I like to be comfortable and don’t like spending a lot of time on my appearance. If you are a mom though you’ve seen those mom’s that look gorgeous and put together and it’s not that having a child stops me from being that person, I’m just not her and most of the time I don’t worry about it. Till I see one of those moms and the guilt comes back and I feel frumpy and wish I was one of those mom’s.
I worry about motherhood a lot. I guess it’s because everyone in my life feels entitled to comment on and voice their opinion on how I’m parenting my daughter and whether or not I should have more children and it’s stressful. This never happened before the stroke but it’s like having the stroke made everyone feel like their opinion on me and my parenting choices are something I need to know. Before no one said much, Bella was a difficult baby. She had colic and cried non stop for about a year and everyone said how well I handled it and people were nice about my parenting. Then it all changed.
I was suddenly unable to care for my daughter, who was three at the time, in the same way. It took some recovery before she could be home alone with me but it still really messed with my confidence as a mom. I worried and still do about how my having a stroke impacted her life. She didn’t ask for this to happen anymore than I did. The first year or so I had serious mom guilt and parented out of that feeling of guilt. I eventually healed enough physically and emotionally to start being the mom I was now. There are things I can’t do that I use to. I don’t drive, have trouble walking or standing for long periods of time. I have learned to do the best I can and have raised a smart and beautiful daughter but yet there is still this sense of it not being enough and the guilt that she deserves better.
I also have a desire to grow my family and that has been an up and down battle for years. At first I was told I would probably not be able to have more kids because of the stroke. Then we were told later on that a pregnancy would be safe. At the time I was only about 3 years post stroke and not ready for a baby. We also know that a new baby will add stress to our lives so we want to make sure all areas of our life that we can make simpler we do. So My husband got a second job, I’m doing my blogging which gives us a little extra money. Then I’ve been working on my health. I know that there will be risk involved but it’s something that my husband and I and our daughter want and so many people try to make me feel guilty for having another kid. I know there is a small chance of risk but every pregnancy could have something go wrong so I’m tired of feeling guilty for wanting my family to grow.
I just wish we as moms could all get to the place where we don’t judge other mom’s and just appreciate that we are all doing the best that we can. I think that would be the only way for all of us mom’s to stop feeling guilt. So compliment a mom you know. Your mom, a family member, a friend. Tell the mom’s you know that they are doing a great job and also only offer up opinions when asked.