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Last Updated on March 30, 2016 by karissa ancell
Being a mom is weird. I feel like I should feel guilty for not being a better mom because isn’t that what mom’s do? And how can not having enough mom guilt make me have mom guilt? I don’t know but it just does.
 I Feel guilty over not being the best they can be. I do worry about if I’m a good example for her and if I do enough but there are a lot of areas of parenting and being a stay at home mom that I just don’t care much about. I’m a type B person. My cleaning philosophy is pretty laid back. I try to keep things picked up, run a vacuum do some dusting but my house is never spotless and the truth is it’s never going to be unless I start paying someone else to do it. I do laundry because I have to, same with the cleaning that gets done. It bothers me sometimes but then I try to remind myself who really cares? We aren’t living in filth. It’s decent and safe and healthy. No one really comes over much. Then I have pangs of worry over if it should bother me more, would I be a better mom and wife if having a perfect house was more of a priority.
I’m also not a put together mom. If you see me at home I’m wearing pajamas or yoga pants with a baggy shirt and sometimes a bra under it. I will put on jeans and a top. If going out I will brush my hair, very rarely style it and put on a little makeup. I like to be comfortable and don’t like spending a lot of time on my appearance. If you are a mom though you’ve seen those mom’s that look gorgeous and put together and it’s not that having a child stops me from being that person, I’m just not her and most of the time I don’t worry about it. Till I see one of those moms and the guilt comes back and I feel frumpy and wish I was one of those mom’s.Â
I worry about motherhood a lot. I guess it’s because everyone in my life feels entitled to comment on and voice their opinion on how I’m parenting my daughter and whether or not I should have more children and it’s stressful. This never happened before the stroke but it’s like having the stroke made everyone feel like their opinion on me and my parenting choices are something I need to know. Before no one said much, Bella was a difficult baby. She had colic and cried non stop for about a year and everyone said how well I handled it and people were nice about my parenting. Then it all changed.Â
I was suddenly unable to care for my daughter, who was three at the time, in the same way. It took some recovery before she could be home alone with me but it still really messed with my confidence as a mom. I worried and still do about how my having a stroke impacted her life. She didn’t ask for this to happen anymore than I did. The first year or so I had serious mom guilt and parented out of that feeling of guilt. I eventually healed enough physically and emotionally to start being the mom I was now. There are things I can’t do that I use to. I don’t drive, have trouble walking or standing for long periods of time. I have learned to do the best I can and have raised a smart and beautiful daughter but yet there is still this sense of it not being enough and the guilt that she deserves better.Â
I also have a desire to grow my family and that has been an up and down battle for years. At first I was told I would probably not be able to have more kids because of the stroke. Then we were told later on that a pregnancy would be safe. At the time I was only about 3 years post stroke and not ready for a baby. We also know that a new baby will add stress to our lives so we want to make sure all areas of our life that we can make simpler we do. So My husband got a second job, I’m doing my blogging which gives us a little extra money. Then I’ve been working on my health. I know that there will be risk involved but it’s something that my husband and I and our daughter want and so many people try to make me feel guilty for having another kid. I know there is a small chance of risk but every pregnancy could have something go wrong so I’m tired of feeling guilty for wanting my family to grow.Â
I just wish we as moms could all get to the place where we don’t judge other mom’s and just appreciate that we are all doing the best that we can. I think that would be the only way for all of us mom’s to stop feeling guilt. So compliment a mom you know. Your mom, a family member, a friend. Tell the mom’s you know that they are doing a great job and also only offer up opinions when asked.Â
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Regina says
Karissa, You are amazing for even being able support your family in some way and care for your child the best you know how. That’s all any mother can really do and I say do what feels right to you and silence the voice of critics.
I lost my mom to an aneurysm as a child and reading how well you are doing with your family nearly brought me to tears. I’m sure my mother felt some of that guilt as well but if only she had asked me and my siblings what we thought of her as a parent, I think we would have all told her that she was our world just the way she was. Sometimes we hold such high expectations as parents when all our kids really want is our love. xoxo
Amby Felix says
I am ALWAYS feeling guilty and am trying to break free of that! Great post!
Amby Felix recently posted…The Sims Autumn Salad
Cori says
Hugs! It may not feel like it all the time but you’re doing great! Hang in there!
erlene says
I have mom guilt and I think most moms feel this way at one time or another. We just have to remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can.
Amanda Love says
While there are a few things I feel guilty about due to my job I very rarely feel guilty about parenting.
Amanda Love recently posted…Teaching Your Kids about Thanksgiving
myrabev says
I am not a mum yet and can’t even comphrend what you’re feeling or going through but I think you are doing a damn good jon
Margarita says
I hate mom guilt. I get it often and have to shake myself out of it!
Margarita recently posted…Super Dog, our GoGo My Walkin’ Pup! #FurRealFriends
kendall says
Mom guilt is totally normal and happens to everyone – we want the best for our little ones more than anything!
kendall recently posted…Mommy’s Little Helper
Melissa says
This was real interesting to read. I’m not a mom, but this is something I will probably relate to one day.
Melissa recently posted…El Matador Beach
Shipra says
It’s hard not to get Mom Guilt. I think it just comes with being a Mother. 🙂
Debi says
Moms, and women in general, really need to stick with that idea – let’s just not judge each other. We have so much else that we have to deal with, why do we put each other down!
Debi recently posted…October 2014 [an instagram]
Stephanie says
I’m not going to have more kids – even if I could – because I’m not healthy enough mentally or physically to add an entire human that relies on me for their survival. No thank you! I do wish people would just stop asking – it is never, EVER someone else’s business. Period!
I do feel bad about my house being somewhat cluttered and perpetually dusty, but I try not to let it bother me too much. I can’t help that there’s no garage/shed, or pantry, or linen closet, or even a coat closet. I have no storage except in a storage room I rented, and it’s just not practical to store anything except seasonal items in it. I also can’t help right now that the house isn’t sealed well and dust comes in 24/7 (it’s also perpetually windy here, and it’s the desert, so….)
What I feel most guilty about is being unable to be active much for health reasons, and not having much patience. I can’t change the first, and I’m working on the second. It’s really a one-day-at-a-time thing.
I read something back when my daughter was a baby that said, “No one, while on their death bed, will look back on their life and think, ‘I wish I’d done the dishes every night.'” So that’s what I’ve always reminded myself of when I feel guilty. It’s a good reminder of what IS important – and it isn’t an empty sink every night.
Stephanie recently posted…Find extra cash this holiday season
Karissa says
I agree no one is going to regret not having cleaned more.
Andi says
I don’t have kids so no Mom guilt, sometimes I have cat-Mom guilt. I definitely have wife guilt, especially if my hubby thinks I am spending too much time on the blog!
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Breanna says
Mom guilt is a very real thing. I’m going through some right now with the struggle of breastfeeding. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another – and I totally agree that the judging needs to STOP! I’m sorry you are struggling right now, too, but I’m here for you! <3
Breanna recently posted…Luca John’s Birth Story
Julie @ Run Away Freckles says
I think it is the sad truth that women judge each other for everything. It happens from the very beginning of kindergarten right on through to adulthood, we compete and judge constantly. We wear nice clothes and makeup not for men but for other women. Motherhood is just another thing to judge each other on. If women could learn to love one another rather than judge the world would be a changed place.
Julie @ Run Away Freckles recently posted…Friday Favourites: DIY Projects
Nancy says
I’m wondering if I’m going to feel this way when I have a child. Probably…
Nancy recently posted…After workout routine